Have you faced your darkest hour?
EDITOR'S NOTE:
"The autumn equinox is behind us, and here, in the
Northern Hemisphere, it is that time of year when darkness grows, trees let go
of their leaves and the earth prepares for hibernation. As we notice that the
sun is becoming more sluggish to rise and quicker to set each day, some of us
may also feel that inward pull of the season and the need to let go of those things which no longer serve us.
 |
| 'The Stranger' by Paree Erica |
What this translates into for each of us will be
very unique. For some, it may mean revisiting the darkest times in our lives, times
when we felt the most lost, or abused, or destructive, or alone, and making
peace with them. This will often naturally give rise to fervent prayer.
The following poem illuminates a soul’s intense dance
with darkness and her very emotional dialogue with God as she moves through hurt, shame,
hopelessness, rage, doubt, abandonment, powerlessness, and finally prayer,
forgiveness and healing.
*This Spoken Word poem surrounds the author’s own experience of rape,
so I would caution any readers that may be vulnerable to triggers going off.*
As the statistics show that an alarming number of
women have been victims of sexual assault, healing from rape inevitably becomes
an essential, and very empowering juncture upon the spiritual paths of many women.
Breaking the silence is a critical part of this healing, as the author courageously does here today. For this reason I offer you this poem today, so that it may catalyze further healing, as we enter bravely into the darkness together."
Breaking the silence is a critical part of this healing, as the author courageously does here today. For this reason I offer you this poem today, so that it may catalyze further healing, as we enter bravely into the darkness together."
Whirlpool
by
Jai Maa (Lacey Nagy)
by
Jai Maa (Lacey Nagy)
Whirlpool is a poem representing the alchemy
of healing myself from rape...
I started partying at an early age but I had big dreams I wanted to accomplish. So I stopped partying, moved to another city, started college, gained a full paid scholarship for acting, worked two jobs, and on my free time I volunteered for the local high school as a diving instructor for the school’s swim team.
I went from
sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll to having that cookie-cutter little miss perfect
lifestyle.
I had no
idea what doorway I had just walked through. I walked right into hell... a place I call “Zombie Land.”
In this land I was raped. I was barely eighteen. And I didn’t
make it out of that dimension for almost two years.
I lost
both jobs in one weekend, stopped volunteering for the high school, lost my
scholarship, car, apartment, and everything that mattered to me. My self-esteem
vanished and I felt like the most undeserving walking dead girl on the planet.
~
(Click play to hear an emotionally-charged, powerful recitation by the author)
~Trigger warning: poem contains lyrical imagery and intense emotions related to rape~
Whirlpool
She
reeked of sex
Came
home at 3:30 in the afternoon
Went
straight to her room
And
collapsed Indian style in front of the mirror
It
was difficult to make her own eye contact
She
hated herself
A
shower will help
Pealing
herself from the floor she zombie walked to the shower
Pealing
off her memory clothes zombie she stepped into the
shower
Pealing
at the parasites on her skin where he touched her
Standing
under
As
stinging shower rain, she cleansed
Soap
bubbles rolled off the silk of her skin
Now
damaged, she damned him, she cleansed
Soap
bubbles rolled off her open raw nipples
Sensitive
and ripped from his nibbles she cleansed
She
could smell him….leak from her
His
saliva shinned like slime on her
The
weight of the world hung itself on her shamed uterus now
threatening to
collapse and bleed from her
Sinking
down the drain in a whirlpool of powerlessness and shame
Emptiness
and pain
She’d
never be the same
No!
No!! NO!!!
She
couldn’t stop him!
She
scrambled for a word more powerful than NO!
NO!
was not as strong as his sickness to take her
NO!
was not as slick sounding rolling off the tip of her tongue the
way sweat rolled off
him and into her eye
NO!
was not as demanding as each thrust slamming into the soft
peach of her now poisoned nectar
NO!
was the only thing he let her say
NO!
was her crab limbs crawling backwards into yesterday
Bed
board in her way, no!
No
time to remember Bible verses, song hymns, hexes, chants,
curses, frantic, she
panicked
She’ll
pray to any God who will listen
She’ll
change her religion
How
could the same God that said It loved her but wouldn’t save
her forgive him?
Where
was her Simon?
Who
would move this cross for her?
Who
would move him off her, she cleansed
Off…ficer
He….he…..
She
told him what happened
The
officer replied…
“You
were in the wrong part of town
Smoking
the wrong kind of shit
This
happens all the time
There
is nothing I can do about it”
Sinking
down the drain in a whirlpool of powerlessness and shame
Emptiness
and pain
She’d
never be the same
She
prayed to God for Justice
No…..no…..
It
was not enough
She
would find him
And
repay him for his crime
God
said, “Easy my child, vengeance is mine”
She
said, I wish vengeance was mine!
Because
I would hunt for and find him
Torture
and split him like a rape victim’s hymen
Virgin
and burnin’ like venom
Rip
him to pieces
Let
him die in his feces
Stop
him
Glock-pop
him
From
ever hurting
Anyone
Again,
God said,
“You
want to stop him? Pray for him.”
Sitting
Indian style in the bathtub
Rocking
herself to a concept
The
human experience doesn’t seem to get
She
only prayed for people she loved
And
found comfort in and every right in hating him
It
was he who deserved to suffer
But
even though he wronged her
Hate
would only make his demonic weakness stronger
God
told her,
“I
don’t expect you to be some martyr
But
in order to fight a demon, you must push harder
And
love is not a weapon he is equipped with
And
not using it, is the embodiment, of your own imprisonment.
You
come to Me and I heal your pain
I
heal your pain
I
heal your pain
But
what if I told you his soul’s destiny
Was
already in a whirlpool of powerlessness and shame
Emptiness
and pain
And
he will never change!
He
will never change!
He
will never change!
He
will never change!
Unless
someone….
Prays
for him.”
~
(If you have been raped and need help please call
the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) Free. Confidential. 24/7. US residents)
(If you have been raped and need help please call
the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) Free. Confidential. 24/7. US residents)
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| Pictured is the author Jai Maa (Lacey Nagy) |
Jai Maa: Formerly known as Lacey Nagy, is co-founder of Gainesville’s Third Eye Spoken Productions, an art and poetry event benefiting local non-profits and charities. While still in high school, Jai Maa published her first poem in the National Poetry Guild and soon thereafter became a spoken word artist. She is former Creative Director of Tampa’s Write Side Poets, Inc. where she and her team competed in state wide slam competitions, held open mic venues for teens and adults, and created poetry performance programs for a children’s theatrical camp. You can enjoy hearing Jai Maa’s poems in her debut album “Barely Exposed.” Jai Maa is currently an Inter-faith Minister, Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Enlightenment Facilitator teaching throughout Florida and is soon to publish her first book on the metaphysics behind obstacles and expanding consciousness. She has an insatiable thirst for cosmic adventure, soul freedom, and awakening the Goddess within. You may connect with her via her website here or on Facebook.
~If you are interested in seeing your poetry appear in this blog, or submitting a poem by a woman that has inspired you, please click here for submission guidelines. I greatly look forward to hearing from you!~
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