This life doesn't make sense and it doesn't come with a manual...
I learn through falling hard. Lessons that I thought I learned still swim to the surface of an endless pool. In this poem, insecurity ripples her familiar state of fear and doubt. There's a convergence of feelings and a disconnect with reality.
I learn the most when I'm at my lowest. When I let go of what-will-everyone-think? I find that it doesn't matter, what they think. Redefining the self in terms of accepting who am, what I stand for and believe in, are all within.
Spiritually, I find I'm intertwined with a greater force and an intricate part of a endless universe. The ripples I see are my own illusions of how I should be or what I've been told to be. The tapes in my memory are being rewritten and my DNA is being rewired.
I am love, compassion, sadness, rage and joy. These are all aspects of me and it's okay to feel and express them.
Insecurity tugs at my heart like a child who's hand wasn't held long enough. Now I can reach in and hold that child's insecurity, let her know it's okay, that's she's loved as I reach the other hand to the universe.
|Fine Art Photography by Smirnova N.|
Oh, Insecure Self Why Do You Visit?
Why do you surface at such ridiculous times?
Letting doubt sneak in.
Another window has opened.
I can feel the wind through my heart.
|Fine Art Photography by Heather Evans Smith|
Where did you come from?
Why are you here?
It’s me, the real you, from inside.
You hold on, afraid to let go
of what you protected for so long.
I am impatient with this moment....I try to flee
From the lurking, churning, gnawing:
It resides in my core.
It lodges in my heart.
I can’t breathe.
Everything seems wrong.
My decision and thoughts are muddled.
Challenging what I believe.
Doubt creeps in...The floor slips away.
What’s there to hold onto, when everything seems unreal?
A child’s voice capitulates, a woman’s heart,
Protect me. It’s all that you’ve known.
Oh insecure self why are you here again?
What lessons do you bring?
Why do you seem mightier when I get closer to me?
A woman’s voice whispers, her wisdom dips inward.
Sit with the rise and fall and let insecurity and fear visit.
It's something to notice rather than run or push aside.
It’ll keep persisting until you don’t hide.
Stillness won’t come when you continue to fight.
Change is different.
The unknown is unclear.
The future is blurry.
Stay here in this moment.
The past is gone, the future is not.
It’s only now.
Stay still and breathe with whatever
Each feeling that washes over,
Know you will not drown.
The water is an illusion yet swims in your eyes.
Rain falls up. Rules fall away.
Release the fist that bruised and scarred the core.
Embrace the self that was never allowed to be.
Let the woman enter in, with love
Let insecurity go, with no regret
Let it all swirl out to sea...
For in this moment,
Carolyn Riker is an elementary teacher, mental health counselor, writer and a poet who finds comfort and balance in her kids, nature, music and her sweet cat Copper. She can be seen sipping soy lattes, nibbling on dark chocolate or savoring a full-bodied red wine. Introspective, forthright, kind and compassionate, she intertwines life with yoga, meditating and learning about Vedic Astrology and Ayurveda. She also writes for Elephant Journal and Rebelle Society. Carolyn can be reached via her e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org or on facebook here.
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