YOU ASK ME WHAT A CALLING FEELS LIKE by Laura Johnson

 

You Ask Me What a Calling Feels Like

by Laura Johnson 

It's irritating.

A calling sounds like the

beep-beep beep-beep

you faintly hear in your sleep-drowsied dreams. At first

you will be dimly aware of its alarming persistence, until

             slowly, slowly,

       maybe then with a start

you'll curse the break of day.

That is to say, it's unpleasant, a calling;

like a fly, buzzing around in reckless circles and you can't predict when it'll

laze your blasted way again.

It's wild like that: a calling.

Unpredictable. Supremely swat-able. It keeps you on edge-

flirting by your periphery, loitering under your nose, its whispers too close for

comfort. 

But, it will make itself comfortable. One day. Like a charming, mysterious

friend. When it saunters by you'll pour it a drink, hoping to coax it into

staying, at least long enough to spill

where it's been    what it's doing     where you fit in

"Why do you keep coming back. . . " you'll ask, chin cupped in your hand, pulse

racing, heart hiding, playing it coy,

". . . to me?"

That's when a calling moves in. Not as a roommate, or a lover, or a dependent, 

or a friend. No, a calling moves in as your shadow. 

Or, maybe, you are its shadow.      It's hard to say. 

Where you go, where it goes, and sometimes it's there- before you, waltzing off the

well-marked path while you trail its ethereal, dizzying dance. 

It's addictive, strangely enough,

to follow it into the unknown, to watch it fade and flow, ebbed one moment

and -wait for it- enormous the next! It's

intoxicating, knowing it belongs to you as much

as you belong to it.

Just wait. Soon 

a calling will sound like the

thump-thump thump-thump

of your own heart, the

whoosh ah-whoosh

of your lungs, the

silent longings of your secret soul.

That is to say, it's bliss, a calling-

like searching the world for an illusive treasure, only to return and find it's

been there all along. 

At home. Within you.

(Originally appeared in 'Still a Beautiful World', October, 2021) 

Rev. Laura Johnson is an ordained pastor in the United Methodist Church, currently serving a church in Apex, North Carolina.  She earned a Master of Divinity from Duke Divinity School, and a bachelor's degree from Florida State University.  When Laura is not pastoring, preaching, or writing, she is running, gardening, rock climbing, or hiking with her husband and two children. You may read more of Laura's poetry on her site: "Still a Beautiful World," or connect with her via Facebook.

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