FEAR IS MY RELIGION by Maru Garcia

 Words, in their subtle form of thoughts and in their vocalized dense shape, hypnotize me as a magnet pulling needles…

I’ve had a particular obsessive relationship with the outspoken ever since I can remember, always expecting words to heal and redeem life from life itself. However, until recently, I had only written for myself: essays and some poetry. 

Fear had been my companion since very young, in the form of an everlasting quiet creepy voice that stopped me from trusting life in full. I had been creative enough to disguise my fear as courage and false strength, until the recent cracking of my heart exposed me naked to my worst critic: my frightened mind. Often love reawakens us, but overcoming its loss resurrects us.

I have found in writing poetry the anesthesia for my heart’s needed healing procedures. I have found a new voice with a tone of unapologetic truth. I am grateful.

Fear is My Religion

Have you ever been so silently scared that your body shut down,

your soul went mute and your hair fell off? 

I have.

And with my hair, went my strength. 

 I gave up.

Yes, my fear is a type of faith, the faith that everything will go wrong.

At what age did I lose myself?

When did I become my own spiritual terrorist?

What dark agreement did I make to dye my life with mortuary paint?

Which color was the monster under the bed? 

 I’ve slept on many beds since that unknown day,

but the monster never left.

Fear, my fuel of hell, has kept me alive.  And dead.

The application in my computer counts the words in this text. 

Could I, in that same way, count the units of fear composing my thoughts?

If I could, would I freak out?

Where did our fear start?  Where does it end?

Did it start with a whisper while we sleep?

An unintentional statement from a parent that drew a tattoo in our brains?  

Was it the dismissive word from a lover that wounded like a stake in the heart and the stake stayed? 

Then when we're not aware, the voices echoed, the tattoo settled the colorful scar. 

The wound infects.

Beware! 

Fear will lock you out of your own dreams…

Is there an antidote?  Genau, correct, we know, it is Love.

But not the kissy-touchy kind (which is fabulous on its own). 

I mean the Love for life itself!

The trust in trust.

The invisible candle that lights our path in the shadows of despair.

The source less force that resurrects when mom suddenly dies.

The warm dew that bathes your every breath.

But where is that Love? 

Where did it hide? 

Did we in frantic digging bury it underground to asphyxiate?

I think Love is scared as well.

What does Love feel when we manipulate and get away with it?

When we cheat on our mate?

What when we allow kids in the millions to starve and go about our day?

What does It see when we pollute our seas?

What when we slaughter an animal for a meal we can live without?

What when we actually enjoy killing for sport?

What does Love feel when we sell others out of greed, when we negate our potentials believing we will never measure up? 

When we succumb to numb?

What world is this where fear is godalized and its devotees grow like weeds while Love is pesticide fed and rolled into compost? 

Where did we get lost?

As we continue to give in, give up, Love grows comatose.  It sleeps.               

WE need to wake Love up.

It will take a big inhale of pain that feels like death until we can exhale again the life we are robbing ourselves from.

We have no choice.

Or we will stay on pause and the pause is rotting all.

Photography by Jude McConkey

Maru Garcia was born and raised in Mexico City. As a kid, she wanted to be invisible when she grew up or work for the circus as a contortionist so she could fit silently in little boxes. She has a degree in Nutrition and believes in veganism as a walking statement of love. She is a very imperfect yogi. Maru loves animals more than anything in the whole wide world, and is a strong advocate for the animals right to just be animals! There is often a doggie or a kitty or a palm tree hidden in her purse on the way to safety. She often gets in trouble for saying exactly what she thinks and feels, no editing, that is her trademark. Maru lives in Playa del Carmen with her 3 dogs, 2 birds and one cat. She does not know yet why she writes. You may contact her on facebook here. 

~If you are interested in seeing your poetry appear in this blog, or submitting a poem by a woman that has inspired you, please click here for submission guidelines. I greatly look forward to hearing from you!~