This life doesn't make sense and it doesn't come with a manual...
I learn through
falling hard. Lessons that I thought I learned still swim to the
surface of an endless pool. In this poem, insecurity ripples her
familiar state of fear and doubt. There's a convergence of feelings and a
disconnect with reality.
I learn the most when I'm at my lowest. When
I let go of what-will-everyone-think? I find that it doesn't matter, what
they think. Redefining the self in terms of accepting who am, what I
stand for and believe in, are all within.
Spiritually, I find
I'm intertwined with a greater force and an intricate part of a endless
universe. The ripples I see are my own illusions of how I should be or
what I've been told to be. The tapes in my memory are being rewritten and
my DNA is being rewired.
I am love, compassion, sadness, rage and joy. These are
all aspects of me and it's okay to feel and express them.
Insecurity
tugs at my heart like a child who's hand wasn't held long enough. Now I
can reach in and hold that child's insecurity, let her know it's okay, that's
she's loved as I reach the other hand to the universe.
 |
| Fine Art Photography by Smirnova N. |
Oh,
Insecure Self Why Do You Visit?
Why do
you surface at such ridiculous times?
Letting
doubt sneak in.
Another
window has opened.
I
can feel the wind through my heart.
 |
| Fine Art Photography by Heather Evans Smith |
Where
did you come from?
Why
are you here?
It’s
me, the real you, from inside.
You
hold on, afraid to let go
of
what you protected for so long.
I am impatient
with this moment....I try to flee
From
the lurking, churning, gnawing:
It
resides in my core.
It
lodges in my heart.
I
can’t breathe.
Everything
seems wrong.
My
decision and thoughts are muddled.
Challenging
what I believe.
Doubt
creeps in...The floor slips away.
What’s
there to hold onto, when everything seems unreal?
A
child’s voice capitulates, a woman’s heart,
Protect
me. It’s all that you’ve known.
Oh insecure
self why are you here again?
What
lessons do you bring?
Why do
you seem mightier when I get closer to me?
A woman’s
voice whispers, her wisdom dips inward.
Sit
with the rise and fall and let insecurity and fear visit.
It's
something to notice rather than run or push aside.
It’ll
keep persisting until you don’t hide.
Stillness
won’t come when you continue to fight.
Therefore,
embrace it and acknowledge:
Change
is different.
The
unknown is unclear.
The
future is blurry.
Stay
here in this moment.
The
past is gone, the future is not.
It’s
only now.
Stay
still and breathe with whatever
Each feeling
that washes over,
Know
you will not drown.
The
water is an illusion yet swims in your eyes.
Rain
falls up. Rules fall away.
Release
the fist that bruised and scarred the core.
Embrace
the self that was never allowed to be.
Let
the woman enter in, with love
Let insecurity
go, with no regret
Let it
all swirl out to sea...
For in
this moment,
Carolyn Riker is an elementary teacher, mental health counselor, writer and a poet who finds comfort and balance in her kids, nature, music and her sweet cat Copper. She can be seen sipping soy lattes, nibbling on dark chocolate or savoring a full-bodied red wine. Introspective, forthright, kind and compassionate, she intertwines life with yoga, meditating and learning about Vedic Astrology and Ayurveda. She also writes for Elephant Journal and Rebelle Society. Carolyn can be reached via her e-mail address carolynra7@hotmail.com or on facebook here.
~If you are interested in seeing your poetry appear in this blog, or submitting a poem by a woman that has inspired you, please click here for submission guidelines. I greatly look forward to hearing from you!~
It is so true: we often react to the uncomfortable in our lives by pushing it away. Here you ask us to invite it out to tea! To get cozy with insecurity and fear, and explore what lessons they bring with them: lessons about us, and the new woman we are becoming. This process of "becoming" can be scary at times and then we resist it. I think so many of us do so. Thank you, dear Carolyn, for reminding us not to. Reminding us to breathe through our insecurities and open the door when they knock. If they don't, you say, they'll just keep in knocking! That's good enough impetus right there. ;) Thank you for your honesty and sharing this very valuable lesson on perspective.
ReplyDeleteIt may seem easier to push away but in reality it comes back in my face even louder and harder. Owning my insecurity for what it is and not blaming, labeling, dismissing, or judging it -- is rather freeing....obviously i have a ton more to learn. i'm rather strong-willed and utterly, ridiculously thick...therefore the lessons are repeated until i get it! sending love. thank you for posting.
DeleteActually I saw the "life doesn't come with a manual," and remembered a favorite quote of Bhaktivedanta Swami's, that the Bhagavad-gita is the manual for the human body: just like any new car has a manual, so does the human birth.
ReplyDeleteI never saw, "life doesn't come with a manual," but perhaps I should! I like what the Swami said about the Bhagavad-gita....i need to get my own copy. i would say to my clients, we take better care of our car with regular maintenance then we take care of ourself. treat yourself like a car....and things will run better. now 15 years later, i'm understanding my own words...isn't life like multiple doors all opening and closing when we are ready to enter and leave?
DeleteI've also been of the strong conviction that fear/insecurities/doubt lose their power when you turn around, confront them, and say, "Exactly what is it you WANT from me???" They don't like to be challenged :)
ReplyDeleteYes! i started doing that recently and wow, scared the shadows to pieces...they scamper off and faded into the sunlight....it's challenging though when there's an army and i forget to breathe. then darkness caves in around me and it's not cozy or warm...it's cold and dark...rather frightening.I have to pull out my light....a small flickering flame and surrender my ego...not fall back into old ways...breathe again and the light grows.
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