This is the story of how I'm finding my way back to rising again after losing my baby...
In April of 2012 at age 36, I found out we were expecting our third child. The pregnancy was a struggle from the beginning. I had pregnancy-induced high blood pressure that began 12 weeks in, then I found out at our 19-week gender ultrasound that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I chose to deliver our unborn son, Dason, the following day. I was left devastated and completely heartbroken by the loss of our child. To this day, I have moments when I feel like my body somehow failed him. The hardest part is never knowing or understanding why he left us. Finding my way back to rising again in a positive light for the sake of my other two children was an extremely tough road.
After my doctor told me I could exercise again, I was on a mission to build a healthier me. I slowly took up running, as a way to get my high blood pressure back to a good place. Running was introduced to me by an amazing group of women who took me under their wings when I was broken and taught me how to fly. Running became my way of coping with postpartum and depression. It was a way to release the incredible pain I felt deep inside my heart. It became my solitude where I could connect with my son’s spirit, cry openly, reflect on life and pray for strength and guidance as I began to rebuild myself from the ground up.
When my children saw the sadness on my face, they began to know instinctively that I needed to run. They knew that if I did, I would be a better and more emotionally available mom for them. With God’s grace, my son’s spirit, my newly found strength from running and the support from all of my loved ones around, I was able to slowly rise again to a stronger me: A better me.
Fast forward to May of 2017 when I discovered I was pregnant again at age 40. I felt as though my many years of prayers for a ‘rainbow baby’ had finally been answered. I felt this new vibrant and beautiful light and life beaming and growing inside of me. We were over the moon as a family. All of us were ready for a new and long awaited addition. I continued jogging at a slower pace as I was determined to maintain a healthy blood pressure for the duration of this pregnancy. I was determined to have this baby!
But when the doctor began seeing issues in two ultrasounds early on, our excitement quickly turned into more heartbreak. At around 9 weeks the doctor noticed that my HCG levels were no longer rising. Our sweet baby had stopped growing somewhere around 6 weeks and had already passed away. We were completely devastated - again.
I miscarried a few weeks later on my 41st birthday. I felt as though the wind had been ripped from my sails. Why had my body failed another child? What did I do wrong? I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why this was all happening again. Depression and postpartum quickly set in. I was utterly heartbroken and I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t want to have to be doing any of it. I wasn’t sure I had any fight left in me. I just wanted my baby. I wanted my happy ending. I was angry and I was broken.
After about 2 weeks of allowing my body to heal physically from my miscarriage, I gradually started jogging. It’s been one foot in front of the other and one day at a time, celebrating every small victory. I need desperately to prove to myself that I still have a fight left in me. I need to release the angst that is wreaking havoc on my spirit. I need to remind myself that I still have a reason to rise again and my children are watching. Rising again is a far cry from easy – but I WILL rise again—out of the ashes—a stronger me. A better me. Learning to live again.
by Tanielle Childers
Starting over is a far cry from easy-
There are days when life feels as though it's defeating me.
Deflating me. Cheating me.
Making me fight just to keep the peace in me.
Shadowing the light I try to keep alive inside of me.
Days when giving up feels like the easier choice to me.
Just rolling over and letting life get the very best of me.
Giving in and allowing the tough times to conquer me.
But, that's not how I want the story to end for me.
These hard times are breaking me down and allowing me to build a better me:
Teaching me new faith and strength and renewing my belief in me.
I know I have what it takes to be the very best version of me I'm able to be.
I've never been one to give up so easily.
The dawn of a new day gives way to another fight for me.
One foot in front of the other towards the person I wish to be.
Acknowledging my emotions and taking time out for the healing of me.
Celebrating moments of every small victory.
Pausing to take in this beautiful world that surrounds me.
Feeling the love and support all around me.
I will take these broken wings and learn to fly: to defy gravity.
Today was a really tough day for me, but it will not be the last of me.
I'll be back tomorrow to rise up again against the weak in me.
And push forward beyond my own negativity.
Letting go of this poor self-image and all the doubts I have in me,
And run towards everything God put me on this Earth to be.
Tanielle Childers is an award winning artist, wife and mother to two beautiful children enjoying life in Loveland, Colorado USA. She finds inspiration to create art through her love of nature and playful imagination. Her use of vibrant, happy colors and unique whimsical style make Tanielle's art magical, refreshing and one-of-a-kind. To see an online gallery of Tanielle’s art, please click here. Aside from creating art, she enjoys spending quality time with family and friends, writing poetry about her personal life’s journey and enjoys running as often as possible. She believes passionately in sharing her life experiences through the creation of her art and poetry in hopes of reaching and connecting with the hearts of people all over the world. " Poetry has always been one of my greatest outlets for processing, digesting and making sense of my emotions. My hope is that others may also find healing through my poetry. I don’t want anyone to ever feel alone in his or her own struggles and heartbreak. May we all continue to find the courage and strength to rise and begin again throughout this life." You may connect with Tanielle on Facebook here.
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