Skip to main content

LAYER BY LAYER by Ulli Stanway

I have always been a writer…

I have always had this calling to express my feelings through the magic of words. Sadly for a very long time in my life I have silenced this voice. Whilst I have written countless poems during endless nights, I never thought that I would be good enough for this. There are so many gifted souls out there, tell me, who would want to read my poetry?

For a very long time in my life opinions and approval were very important to me. I always wanted to live up to people’s expectations. Be the good girl, the one the others are proud of, as she lives the way they think is the only way, their way.

I tried to be very thin. I dumbed down. I put on makeup and chose high heels. I studied law. I wore a pear necklace and a white blouse. My hair, ever so perfectly layered. I was everything that others wanted me to be and nothing that I am.

Slowly and steadily I drifted away from my authentic calling. Illnesses started to manifest in my body. And pain of all kinds became my constant companion.

At some point I had to make a choice, was I to continue this path of self-betrayal or was I going to take a leap of faith through change?

I chose the unknown, something in me told me that I had to just let go and flow with it all, all consequence aside. I left my home country and moved to Australia with my beautiful husband. I started from scratch. Immersed myself in everything that comes with cultural change. The good, the beautiful and the rather very challenging parts.

I read countless self-help books, learned about pain, illness and their spiritual connection. I lost weight, oh so much weight. I decided that I no longer needed these layers of thick skin that I had so carefully and deliberately placed around my wounded heart. I started to peel them off, layer by layer. Each of these skins had a different purpose. There was grief for unborn children, anger and sadness about a miscarriage, silenced passion, death, guilt and blame.

My poem speaks of these layers and how I softly peeled them off, ever so gently embracing my arising poetess.

Layer by Layer
by Ulli Stanway

Come out my beautiful soul
And embrace me
I wish to hear you
Tell me those stories
Send me words to write down
I have not listened for a very long time
And for that I ask your forgiveness

I was too busy being washed ashore on strange lands
I did not have a voice nor hope
My days spent pleasing others
My nights filled with tears of unfulfilled dreams
Only to awake the next day
Feeling hollow and saddened

I did not see you
I could not hear you
Even if I wanted to with every part of my ancient heart
I was engulfed in their rules
The way things should and should not be
No pen taken in my hand
The head full of poetry
The eyes blinded
The poetess violently silenced
By yet another thick protective layer of skin
What if they don’t like me?
How can I change to be more loveable?
Back then where I was covered in pain
Guilt, blame and anger came upon me like the apocalyptic riders

Then came the day
When I decided to fight back
Not to believe those stories any longer
The need for approval dismissed
The need to please softly diminished
By me embracing myself
Learning to love me
And all that comes with this choice
Uneasy at times
One step at the time
One day after the other
Minute by minute
Layer by layer
I peeled away the pain and the protection
I took down my fence


And then there is now
Now is where I wake up in the early waking hours
To write with ink smeared fingers
Messy hair
My eyes drifting into the dark night
Feeling and sensing
Longing for my beloved poetess to arise
Awaiting her talking to me
We are getting closer
I can see her when I look in the mirror
I can see her timeless eyes
Her beautiful smile
As she forgives me full heartedly
She is here with me
Now

Ulli Stanway: "I am a 41 year old rising poetess/writer/day dreamer and life lover. I live in Melbourne Australia with my beautiful husband. I love nature and I am a confessing tree hugger. I am working on my dream website called “Desire your own happiness”, which I hope will inspire other kindred souls to follow their own dreams and skip down a path they truly enjoy. I believe in becoming your authentic self, become who you are with all your quirkiness, weirdness and amazing talents. We don’t need to have countless copies of the same story being told. Be you, all that you are and that is perfectly enough. And you are so very needed. My mantra is taking your shoes off and run barefoot, in the rain whenever possible. Embrace everything you are. Here and now."


~If you are interested in seeing your poetry appear in this blog, or submitting a poem by a woman that has inspired you, please click here for submission guidelines. I greatly look forward to hearing from you!~

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

IMAGINE A WOMAN by Patricia Lynn Reilly

  This poem invites you to look upon yourself with loving kindness… Gazing at your own true reflection, you will discover that everything you have longed for “out there” is already within you! I invite you to love your creativity fiercely. Faithfully plant seeds, allowing under-the-ground dormant seasons, nurturing your creative garden with love and gratitude. In the fullness of time, the green growing things thrust forth from the ground. It's a faithful, trustworthy process. AND it takes time and patience.  Blessed is the fruit of your creative womb! I invite you to trust your vision of the world and express it. With wonder and delight, paint a picture, create a dance, write a book, and make up a song. To give expression to your creative impulses is as natural as your breathing. Create in your own language, imagery, and movement. Follow no script. Do not be limited by the customary way things have been expressed. Your creative intuition is original. Gather

IMBOLC by Caroline Mellor

The inspiration for this poem came after I watched a magical winter sunset and full moonrise from the top of Firle Beacon in the South Downs... Unusually for me, I wrote the poem quite quickly and changed it very little before publishing it – perhaps the energies were working through my pen! Imbolc is the mid-point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. It’s a fire festival which I particularly love because of its associations with Brigid, the Celtic Mother Goddess of arts and crafts, clear sight, healing, inspiration and nurturance of creative talents – something which, through my writing, I am always trying to connect with.  I also love Imbolc because, with so much darkness and negativity in the world today, it is a time for hope, potential, visioning and initiation. With love and blessings as the light returns. Photography by Chanel Baran IMBOLC    by Caroline Mellor I am the dream of awakening. I am the returning of the night.  I am the tough green

WINTER SOLSTICE: A GIFT OF LOVE by Carolyn Riker

I’ve had several days now of alone time… It is unusual and a gift that I couldn’t see until I breathed it. I have been able to watch the sun’s rise through the grey of dawn and smile at the flickers of frost melting on the waving boughs of evergreen. It’s unique to follow daylight as it traverses the tempo of a cat’s soft slumbering purr. Night comes swifter and the glow of candles and the flames of fire comfort me more than the steady stream of always-doing-more. As much as I resisted, I needed this break. I had no idea how much my body was trying to tell me   slow down   until the exhaustion settled in around my joints. My eyes swam in molasses. Heaviness of I-can’t-hold-out-much-long, walked me to the throne of my nest. It’s winter’s gift of self-nurturing and love. It’s been a quiet proclamation of femininity and a need for comfort foods. Lemon crisps and cranberry, white-chocolate shortbread dipped in tea; I felt a hint of being pampered without